I Cannot Write
Because I am afraid that I’ll offend someone
I grew up angry. I didn’t want to admit it, but I did. I’ve always considered myself to be a polite person; however, I think, I learn from people more considerate than myself.
I’m always afraid to admit that I hide behind my fear. I watch clips of Achilles in Troy as if to make myself seem more masculine.
I think we have to show our masculinity first, even if we are afraid to do so. Maybe I’ve been holding everyone else back. Perhaps I’ve still got a long way to go in terms of honesty. I don’t know what I want to say most of the time, because, I don’t think I’ve completely found myself.
I’ve had this fear of writing for a long time and I’ve covered it up by over working. Now, I’m tired. I tried to write more and more code, and I thought I was being clever by using my last name. I don’t even know if that’s a good thing to use or if I’m good enough to use it.
I had not seen it until now. I have been sandbagging. But not in the obvious way. I think. It’s the fact that, I don’t always want to code. I code because it’s fun, and it does pay well, but I’m tired, but I need to pay my bills because I’m in debt.
I think this is why I don’t write. Because, if I write, eventually, I’ll have to say who I really am. I don’t know if I am forgiven because I’ve never taken the time to consider whether I’ve been living right. Even if one lives perfectly right, but we know that’s only possible with Jesus; how could we live without fear of judgement still?
I’m afraid. Always. Because, I used to be angry, but, I never wanted to be angry, so I just prefer (not sure I can help it) to be sad and a bit fearful. Always. I pretend to be happy and it helps to talk to friends, but, I’m afraid that I can’t always totally please my friends. I want them to love me, but I don’t know if I am a good friend. I don’t know if I know for sure what a good friend is supposed to look like.
It’s hard to know anything in finality. I don’t even like the thought of finality. Even that scares me. So, basically, I’m afraid of everything. I don’t know anything really apparently.
People speak of diversity, and, I think many are doing it well now. I don’t know if I give enough credit to this, but, it seems to be happening. I hope to be a positive part of that, but even there, I fear that I’m not living up to the task sometimes.
I push myself, but, is it enough?
Do I know what pushing myself is?
I don’t know what my purpose is; when I think I know, I realize, that I do not know. I can’t go on stage, because, I’m afraid that I’ll break down on stage. I’m afraid that nobody will hold me up. I’m afraid that I’ve let everyone down. I’m afraid that my belief in God is flawed.
Who am I?
Why am I always so afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll say that I’m dead. I’m even afraid of that. I’m afraid of death. Friday the 13th scares me, but it shouldn’t. It really does though. It never occurred to me before that I’m afraid that if I died, nobody would have noticed.
I’m also afraid of how I end this post because I don’t want you to think I’m dying, but at the same time, if I were, I’d want you to care.